Saturday, September 7, 2013

[PV Review] Koda Kumi - TOUCH DOWN

Sometimes I refuse to believe Koda Kumi is really dumb as bricks. You guys should have probably seen Kuu's TOUCH DOWN video by now and the more I look at it, the more I think it makes absolutely no sense. If it's supposed to, that is. So after much thinking I've pretty much realised that this PV does make sense - it's all about Kuu being hungry for a big dong.

Who says you can't mix business with pleasure? Well, for Koda Kumi, it's not so much about pleasure because Kenji probably isn't pleasuring her enough at home. In response to this, Koda Kumi is a professional. She makes messages subliminal. She wants that big dick, and she wants to show Kenji-sama how she wants to get down and durrty. You'd think the TOUCH DOWN PV was all commercialised to sell sex, but this definitely touches down on a more personal level for Kuu.

The PV begins with Kuu getting all ghetto-wannabe and shit wearing an oversized jersey top and a red bandana probably sourced from a nearby dumpster down the street to maintain that ghetto authenticity. The outfit looks like something she'd wear during the encore section of her shows (which is hardly a compliment btw) and I like that she's blowing smoke out of her mouth with the smoke-blowing instrument nowhere to be seen in shot. This leads me to believe that it was somebody's cum vapour.

This is followed by some epilepsy-inducing jumpcuts between Kuu in a black background in lingerie (kinky bitch), her silhouette in the same outfit with some trippy illuminati effects also seen in Namie Slaymuro's Heaven PV (Coincidence? I think not), and Kuu in a black background in some tight-fitting dress. This depicts a normal day in Kuu's life where she either wears only lingerie or she wears clothes with no lingerie at all. Bitch is classy as fuck.

In between posing behind the screen and lying on the floor being a complete lazy ass, there is also a very disturbing scene whereby Kuu actually shows everyone how she grabs Kenji by the balls (middle). Well, speaking of balls, she also pathetically holds (and occasionally throws ever so slightly from one hand to the other) a football just because, well, touch down. Touch down more like put that ball down gurl. 

Treading into more disturbing territory, there are also scenes of a black man doing the head-shoulders-knees-and-toes dance before proceeding to caress her all over. Now we know the source of the cum vapour she was blowing out. Somewhere in Japan, Kenji is not impressed. And I am certainly not impressed with those creepy-ass coloured contacts that she has on. I need these bitches to STOP. This is not a good trend at all. Even Akiko Wada looks younger in comparison to these hos. Keep it real ladies.

And if you think all that isn't sluttified-cum-retardedish for you, we even have another scene with Kuu looking worse - in a black bob with BLACK LIPSTICK (god save her soul) wearing a top covered entirely in eyes presumably mercilessly pried off a million soft toys taken from the same dumpster down the street they sourced for her first outfit. The costume department must be so proud of their loots.

Fortunately, at least we have a scene where there are eyes without coloured contacts. Unfortunately, Kuu is STILL wearing those horrendous coloured contacts. It doesn't even help that she's holding this weirdass gold chain simply for the hell of it and then we have MOAR EPILEPTIC JUMPCUTS BETWEEN HER AND THE BIKINI SCENE!!!

You think Kuu is actually offering compensation for her ugly outfit by showing a little underboob, but then...

The head-shoulders-knees-and-toes dancer strikes back again!!! And this time he REAAALLY gets into it. You can see the intensity on his face. I still do not understand the rationale of his appearance, other than its probable intention to attract all the 40-something obasans who are still pissed off at her amniotic fluid comments. And that Kuu is just craving for some black dick.

Kuu also does a shitload of spastic hand movements in your face to complement her spastic outfit and also as a desperate attempt to distract you from focusing too much on her ugly wig. She just knows her outfit is an epic flop so I'll give her props for ~*attempting*~ to salvage the situation.

Kuu then appears on top of some creepy ass glossy leopard/cheetah/some cat statue looking awkward as hell. She is clearly showing us how BIG she likes it to be. Look at the way she touches it. Look at how confident she's riding it already despite this awkward position. You know what would make this PV turn even more disturbing? If the black dancer is standing right behind her. Doing the head-shoulder-knees-and-toes dance move.

Now that's just messed up.

Then Kuu proceeds to start bobbing her ass up and down in a half-assed (weak pun intended man) attempt to twerk. Then she slaps it. Like it's hot. But Kuu if you wanna twerk your ass you need to TWERK IT YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'???

Long story short, this PV is about Kuu wanting to be a ghetto-ass chick who thinks coloured contacts are a good idea. She craves for a nice, big schlong, which is exemplified by the massive (MASSIVE!) size of the cat statue she rides on. You know what I mean? ;) And um, I still don't know what the dancer is doing there. The dancer's black, the cat statue's black, hmmm....

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